Monday, December 15, 2008

#12 Alpaca Farming

For white people who hear the swan song of rural life but lack the thick skin required to run a real farm, raising alapacas does the trick. These South American natives are raised for their fiber.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

#11 Auto Leasing

In order to drive more expensive cars than they could otherwise afford, white people resort to leasing new cars. Paying cash for a new car is impossible for most and financing a purchase can require a hefty monthly payment. However, leasing can get the monthly payment down to a manageable level. 0 down and $399 a month for a Mercedes Benz c300? Sign and drive!

#10 Putt Putt

When white people are up for some spirited competition among themselves, they head for the local putt putt course. A miniature version of golf, putt putt condenses that sport and adds obstacles like windmills. The most elaborate courses are located at places where white people vacation like Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, Tennessee, Estes Park, Colorado and Fort Walton Beach, Florida.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

#9 John Deere Memorabilia

To display to the world an affection for things mechanical, some white people love to display the John Deere logo and colors on everything. Clothing, dishes, and even wallpaper borders wear the colors. A small few actually own and operate John Deere equipment, but the majority just like to pretend they do.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

#8 Three Car Garages

The three car garage is a necessity for the modern white person. Although white households often own three or more vehicles, usually only one spot houses a car. The remaining space is used for storage and possibly a ping-pong table. The three car garage is a recent development, having replaced the two car garage of the 1980s which replaced the one car carport of the 1950s.

#7 Home Schooling

For white people who trust neither church nor state, home schooling is the only reliable way to educate little ones. The biases and agendas of others can be avoided and children taught when, where and how parents decide. As an added benefit, bullies and pink eye are avoided.

#6 Bed & Breakfasts

For those white people too frail to walk from Maine to Georgia, a bed & breakfast provides a home base for a comforting vacation. Often housed in a private home, guests enjoy them much better than the Days Inn.

#5 County Fairs

Once a year white people gather at local fairgrounds for fun activities like tractor pulls, square dances, demolition derbies, country music concerts and people watching. Fried food eating (elephant ears, etc.) also fills the day.

#4 Appalachian Trail

For some white people without full time employment, walking from Georgia to Maine through the woods is the thing to do. A 2000 mile hike alone or with a friend or two will keep a guy occupied for a good part of the summer and away from the job search.

Monday, March 24, 2008

#3 Classic Rock Radio

Where else can a guy hear The Rolling Stones, Lynard Skynard, Motley Crue and Stone Temple Pilots all in the same set? On the country's network of classic rock radio stations, that is where. Classic Rock radio is a favorite of some white people because it combines the most popular rock of the last three plus decades on the same station, allowing father and son to listen together. Not only does it play Welcome to the Jungle by Guns-n-Roses everyday, sometimes it surprises its listeners with some old Billy Joel or newish Nickelback. If a white person is riding in your car, make sure the radio is tuned to a classic rock station.

#2 Ultimate Fighting

Because life is safe inside gated communities, some white people like to exercise their blood lust by watching ultimate fighting. Ultimate fighting is like fake wrestling, except it is not fake. Combatants not only fist fight like boxers, but beat each other while on the canvas. Ultimate fighting is popular as a pay per view event but is much better live.

#1 Gated Communities

Where previously they lived on farms, in small towns and in big cities, white people now prefer to live in gated communities in the netherland between town and country.
On the outside is a gate and a live person in a guard house in the nicer gated communities or an automatic gate in the lesser ones, and a sign that says something like "The Estates at Bink's Forest." Inside are houses lined along streets named after flowering plants and not called streets but "Way" or "Place" or "Lane" or "Court." The streets called "Court" usually end in a cul-de-sac, an especially cherished location, as cul-de-sacs have no through traffic.
The houses range from standard size ranch houses to 4,000 square foot McMansions. In the McMansion gated communities it is not rare to find a family of four living in a house with six bedrooms. The most prized houses in gated communities are those on cul-de-sacs, as mentioned before, or backed up to water or a golf course fairway. Houses in gated communities often have swimming pools even if the residents of the house only use it four or five times a year.